Cat and mouse

My oh my, it is finally time for an update...I guess I took a little hiatus? My 2009 goals list is still in limbo, let's just say my 2009 didn't start out how I planned...but things can only get better right...? I have so many thoughts running through my head I don't even know where to begin but here it goes.....


Today I feel......MOTIVATED


Let's start with weigiht/body image/health/etc. People probably don't want to read about this but this "issue" has been presenting a great deal of stress in my life in the past few weeks. I have never been the "skinny girl" and I never will be and I am still accepting this. About a year ago I began running to lose weight and to look a ceratin way that was extremely unrealistic for somebody like me. Although running/working out made me a happier person, I became extremely frustrated when I didn't seee the results I wanted to. I have always hated having a bigger build than what I consider normal but I am SLOWLY learning to accept it. Today my focus while running is about 60% what I will eventually look like and 40% health reasons/my future. Before Christmas break I was running 6-10 miles a week and I had a decent diet. Not only was I happy just about all the time, I was motivated and healthy. Now I run about 5 miles a week, eat whatever I want, eat out all the time, and then just feel bad about myself and crappy all the time. But this feeling only makes me eat more...because I am an emotional eater!!!!! Ahhhh!! For some reason I associate food wiht instant gratification that quickly fades. and then I just feel like a fat-ass and super crappy. I try to tell myself that I am going to workout that day, but then I end up making plans with friends for the time I set aside to workout. I HAVE TO FIX THIS....and today I will! I am feeling extremely motivated and decided that I would go buy a yoga mat...a pink one of course! I am also going to put together a "health binder". This binder will include a calendar to track my workouts, instructional workouts, healthy eating guidelines, a weight chart, and pictures that remind me of my goals.

Ok...idk if you want to continue reading because this post seems to be about everything that stresses me out! haha

OK...time to talk college. Because I procrastinate until I am forced to do things...this whole applying for college thing has been a nightmare. My current college status is unknown but I have plenty of options seeing that I am 8 for 8! My problem is: I can go to the college 5 minutes away from a big city, where I know I will be happy and get a good education but be in $40,000 worth of debt after 4 years OR I can go to a state school in a small city and have my entire college paid for. What should I do???!!!! The deadlines are slowly coming buit they are coming and I am beyond scared..I am terrified. This decision will change the REST of my life. It will determine who I am, how much money I make, where I live, what kind of job I will have, who I will marry, and soooooo much more. Like I said before, I am terrified...but I will survive....i think!

Well I think I my writing spell has come to an end. Possible nexts posts include: affluenza, friend issues, high school, changes, or whatever sparks my interest that day!